While she does deviate slightly from the suggested model by giving two examples rather than three, the first body paragraph strengthens the essay by lending heft and specificity to her position. President Lincoln is an ideal case study of a leader whose greatness should be not be obscured by his domestic doldrums (however interesting they may be to learn about).
The same can be said with Einstein; his infidelities went to the grave with the women he may have wounded emotionally, while his work will live forever.
He managed to bring the country through a substantial revolution and to end slavery despite powerful economic and social forces working against him day and night. He was moody and prone to depressive funks that disrupted his family life and slowly eroded his marriage.
These personal faults did not reduce his success as a President.
We are better able to appreciate the gravity of great accomplishments when we are not burying our heads in the sand, in search of personal failings.
The essay above earned a 6 because it takes all five steps necessary for a perfect score on the AWA. There is no ambiguity about how the author feels about the issue; she simply states her opinions with confidence and clarity.
While we do not have to ignore questions about whether he was a depressive, we also should not consider them an important part of his political heritage.
In contrast, many people criticize Lincoln’s decision to suspend the right of habeas corpus.
The music chair also cites an “increase” in job openings in the field of music-therapy. The word “increase” might mean that music-therapy is a wildly burgeoning new field, although nothing suggests that this is the case.
Alternately, the word “increase” might denote, for example, a rise from 60 jobs nationwide last year to 70 this year — admittedly, this is an increase, although a change across such small numbers hardly would be large enough to warrant any major modifications in a university’s programs.